Bitter. Sweet.

That perfectly sums up this week.

Bitter.

Monday marked the one year anniversary of getting my positive test with the twins. All week, I’ve been reliving how I felt that week – the excitement, the overwhelming joy, the thought that bad things won’t happen to me.

Sweet.

Poppy is getting so much bigger and stronger. Wednesday night, she kicked for a good ten minutes where Josh could feel her – she’s been having these daily and nightly kickfests now that are so much fun. Yesterday when Josh got home, we spent five minutes or so watching her make my belly jump and move with her strong kicks.

Bitter.

I can’t help but think how would this be with twins now? How would it feel to have twins inside me moving? How would it feel to have seen two little faces at a 3D ultrasound? How much bigger would I possibly be? The fact that the majority of people expect me to be over this by now – and truthfully, I expect it of myself. But I’m not. I miss my babies. I miss my twins.

Sweet.

I’m overwhelmed with love for this little girl and I don’t know how it can increase, but every day it does. I’ve started on a “songs for Poppy” playlist on itunes, and we’ve been doing a bit of work in what will be her nursery space, and nothing makes me happier than sitting in the chair in her room, listening to her songs, and just loving her.

Bitter. Sweet.

Tears that I cry that are both of joy and sorrow. I still don’t understand how someone can feel both of these emotions so strongly. I don’t want to forget my boys, but their sister is so strong and powerful. Will I always live my life with this conflict? Looking at her, but knowing that chances are, if her brothers had made it to term, she wouldn’t have been here? Buying one of each girl thing, but still wanting to buy two of each boy thing.

Bitter.

I miss them – I miss that innocence I had with the twins – that pure joy of a first time mom.

Sweet.

Her round cheeks. Her pouty lips. The fact that when Josh woke me up one morning this week, he had the biggest smile on his face because he said I was sleeping with my hand tucked under my chin, the exact way we saw Poppy do.

Bitter. Sweet.

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2 Responses to Bitter. Sweet.

  1. Andrea says:

    I couldn’t help but pop in to say that yes, this bitter/sweet conflict remains with me always. I miss our two angels so, so much – but I am grateful every moment for our sweet little love. If either of our angels had lived, Z wouldn’t be here. And I feel we have been waiting for her – she is the baby that was meant to come to us, though I miss her brothers/sisters more than anything.

    I have finally found peace, now that Z is here, safe with us, in knowing that she was meant to be. It is just enough to make the pain bearable. Wishing for you peace as well.

    (gretasmommy on MDC)

  2. Amanda says:

    Such a thoughtful post. I don’t know that you’ll ever get over your boys, no matter how much you love and are grateful for your sweet Poppy.

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