Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.
It’s such a bittersweet day for me. I’ve got this amazing little girl wrapped up on my chest, sleeping soundly (if truth be told, she’s snoring.) But I also have a twin sized hole in my heart. I sometimes have wondered, what would it be like to do this with two babies? Would I be twice as tired, twice as happy? I can’t imagine not having Marion in my life though. I try to tell myself that if I had the twins, Marion could still be here. After all, twins come early, so if they were born by such and such gestation, I still could have gotten pregnant with her, etc. I know it’s not true though – there’s no way I could have had all three babies. It’s either I would I have had twins, or I would have Marion. How can you make that kind of a choice?
So I chose to believe …
– I believe that for whatever reason, my twins were meant to only be with us for a very short time
– I believe that for whatever reason(s), that I’m still not sure of, that their lives had meaning and purpose
– I believe Marion was picked for us by her brothers
– I believe Marion is destined to do something amazing
– I believe there is a reason she’s with us and our twins aren’t
– I believe that one day, I might see why this all happened and I might understand a little bit better
– I believe losing my twins made me a better wife and a better mother
– I believe losing my twins gave me a dimension to my soul that those who have never had a loss will never experience
– I believe I love now in a way I never knew that I could
– I believe I’ll always miss my babies but I also believe that it does get better, that joy does come in the morning, even if it takes a long time to reach that morning.
– I believe they made me a mother, in my heart, if not in my arms
So David and Jonathan, your Daddy and I love and miss you today, and every day. But we remember you today, we acknowledge your existence, no matter how short. And we thank you for this gift of your sister and for making us parents. We love you so much.