Pregnancy Journal – Week Four

11.January.2008
3 weeks, 6 days

Wow – pregnant again! I’d like to say I’m overjoyed, and I am, but I’m also terrified. This/these little baby(ies) are just a ball of cells now, but I am already so in love. I just don’t have the ability to be timid or merely dipping my toes in the water. I’m trying to focus on the fact that today I’m pregnant and no one knows what tomorrow will bring, and so, nothing can change the fact that I am pregnant today.

Josh wasn’t home when I tested and he was in a meeting all day long and I couldn’t get a hold of him! I thought my head would explode if I didn’t tell someone, so of course, I told momma. She was thrilled – cautiously so – but still thrilled. The next person I called was the doctor’s office. I had to leave a message with the operator since the office was closed but the PA called me back right away. She said congratulations and why are you calling? I told her I got a positive test today and she was like, “okay and you are calling for what?” I had to say, well I had a miscarriage back in July and Dr. Z told me to call right away when I got a positive test, so I am. So now I have an appointment at 830 Monday morning for my first series of blood work.

This will be so different than the pregnancy with the twins – I hope all the extra monitoring will help me stress less instead of adding to my stress. I’m trying to do my research a bit ahead of time, so I can know what’s “normal.” I’m also finding out that as exact of a science this is, there are still so many areas of it that are inexact.

I decided since Josh wasn’t home, I should take advantage of that fact and do something to surprise him. I had already made a trip to Target today to get our weekly things, and that’s when I picked up the tests. I’d also picked up two “desktop toys” for Josh while I was there. So when the test came back positive, I went back to Target and bought a sweet little newborn gown that says “Little Cowboy” on it. I bought a book that made me cry in the aisles called “God Gave You Us” and a congratulations card too. So I hid that in the bottom of the gift bag and put the other two toys on top of it. When he got home, he opened the two toys with no problem, and I had to say, I think there’s something else in there. He said he had no idea until he saw the tips of the two pregnancy tests poking out, and then he knew. It was so awesome for me to watch his face – he immediately drew me into a huge big hug and had tears in his eyes. He had to go to a basketball game for work this evening (rough life, I know) and he promised to bring me back cotton candy! šŸ™‚ Until he left though, we just talked about how stinking excited we are about this!

Tomorrow, I’ll be four weeks and we can start taking the belly pictures!

I’m so in love, so so in love.

12.January.2008
4 weeks

So I’ve made it 24 hours without a major freakout. I did have a tiny one this morning. I opened a new pack of tests and used one this morning and the line was very very faint at first. I had to sit there on the toilet and say what I’ve said to several others that tests come from different batches with different dye lots and that the darkness doesn’t mean anything. A line is a line is a line. So I left the test alone while I made breakfast and when I came back, it had darkened up nicely. I took another one this afternoon and the same thing happened.

I (unbelievably) woke up at 7:30 this morning and had some quality time on the couch with my coffee and knitting and Law & Order before Josh woke up around ten-ish. I had training at the gym tonight, so I made myself take a nap (even though I thought I didn’t need it.) Turns out I was tired after all and I slept heavily for about two hours.

I was really nervous about my training tonight – but I want to start this pregnancy off on a good note. Josh and I decided to go on and tell Cedric – especially since I have to reschedule my appointment for Monday due to the doctor’s appointment. Cedric was ridiculously excited for us and said he has had experience with training other pregnant women before – which is reassuring. He said just to get detailed instructions from Dr. Z as to what he was or was not comfortable with and we’ll abide by those guidelines. Cedric did go on and say no more heavy weight lifting for me.

The workout was good – it was pretty funny because now that I (and Cedric) know I’m pregnant, last week’s workouts make more sense. I thought I was just taking a while to recover from the holidays – and I think it was just first trimester tiredness. We were outside for a bit as well and in between sessions I had to walk around the parking lot and he was telling me to get back. I told him “I’m trying not to puke all over your parking lot!” When I got back to him, he said, “Was this why you were so nauseous last week?” And I think it was!

After working out, we ate at Mission Burrito – so yummy and I remember eating there during the pregnancy with the twins and after their loss and how I felt all these different emotions. It’s nice to have another memory there now. And we went to the bookstore after dinner as well.

I jumped right in and went to the pregnancy books. There was only one book about pregnancy and miscarriage – and it wasn’t really focused on pregnancy after miscarriage. A girl asked me my opinion on some books, and I told her, also referencing some other books. She was like, wow, you know all of these! I told her it was my second pregnancy and later one, she asked how old my other child was. I’m just amazed at how the loss of the twins is already defining ever aspect of this pregnancy – even book buying! I told her about the twins, and she was appropriately sympathetic. She’s about twelve weeks she said, unexpectedly pregnant but very happy about it. It was kind of nice to have someone to talk to – even if it was just for a short minute.

We forgot to take belly pictures today – but one day won’t matter much if we take them tomorrow.

Oh, and in the best news of all, my workout didn’t result in any spotting – yay!

13.January.2008
4 weeks, 1 day

I scared the beejeesus out of myself again this morning. Stupid light testing tests. This one was almost invisible and took a long time to show up – but in the end, it was there, as dark as the tests from yesterday. I sent out the SOS to Harmony and Amber and to the Sticky board. I got nothing but reassurance that this was nothing to worry about.

Neither of us slept well last night – I was up at 6:30 this morning. The Houston Marathon was today – so I woke Josh up and we walked a few blocks down to where the race was scheduled to go through our ‘hood. It was a beautiful morning and we spent maybe an hour or so watching the runners go by. It was a good way to pass the time and take my mind off of things. When we came home I worked on mom’s scarf for a bit, then told Josh that I was just going to lay on the couch and rest for a bit. I napped off and on for a bit and then Josh went to the grocery store. Like before, I am craving cheese and protein! So I told Josh that I wanted steak tonight for dinner! I never want steak! I made us grilled cheese for lunch and spent the rest of the afternoon on the couch, napping.

We told Ms. Libbie this afternoon about the baby. She was surprised I think – I’m just sure she’s weirded out by the idea that her son is going to be a father! She told Josh she was cautiously excited. Understandable.

Only 12.5 more hours until the doctor tomorrow. I’m hoping they get me results tomorrow and don’t make me wait until Tuesday for the results.

We didn’t take belly pictures today – but we did give this baby a name. I read that right now, she’s the size of a poppyseed, so Poppy it is. I’m 99.9% convinced that this baby is a girl (and that there is only one!). I’m loving the name Poppy!

Another day without spotting – yay!

(PS – it’s 8:00 p.m. and I’m really wanting to go out and get a digital test or two. I am so afraid of going to the doctor tomorrow only to have them tell me that I’m not pregnant.)

14.January.2008
4 weeks, 2 days
We ended up getting a digital last night. It popped up “PREGNANT” pretty quickly! That was a huge relief and I got the same result this morning. So I was as calm as could be expected going in to the office this morning.

I took Josh to work this morning and got there a little early. I treated myself to some Starbucks and waited then walked up to the doctor’s office right at 8:30 and signed in. About fifteen minutes of waiting and the nurse comes out and calls me up to the front desk with everyone’s favorite question “What are you here for?”

So I explained that I got a positive test on Friday, followed the doctor’s orders and called immediately, spoke to Angie and she said to come in this morning for blood work. The nurse was like, oh, how do you spell your name? Do you have a lab work sheet?

I’m like no I don’t have any sheets – I’m just here like you told me to be.

Finally, the pull the right chart (they’d had another Katherine Hughes pulled) and got my lab work sheets. The nurse comes back out and sits down with me and says, so you’re here to confirm you are pregnant? And I said, I’m here to have my betas checked and my progesterone levels. She said, oh okay? (Everything she said was a question) I asked her, when will I get the results? She’s like, oh, the lab is really quick! You should get them back by Thursday! (and she was proud of that fact) I started to internally freak at that point and asked her, well are you going to check if my levels are going to double? She was like, um yeah I think? But you know those urine tests at home are really accurate! (WHAT IS SHE TALKING ABOUT?!?) I said, but you’ll check my levels to make sure they’ve doubled right? And she said, oh yeah, we’ll probably bring you in next week.

At which point she handed me the lab sheet and walked away.

I was pissed and just so emotional.

I called Josh just shaking and so angry. He was like, don’t you dare leave there without either talking to the doctor or Angie because this is just stupid that they don’t seem to know what’s going on.

Blood draw was quick. I asked the tech when the results would be in. Lab tech said either Wednesday or tomorrow – depends on how fast the doctor wants them.

So I asked the receptionist if I could talk to Angie on my way out, and she was like, sure, just go back there and find her. So I walked back to the nurses station and Angie was standing there and I told her I had some questions for her.

She at least knew what was going on! She told me she’d call me tomorrow with my results and that I’d need to come back in on Wednesday for another draw. I asked her how many draws I’d have, and she said, it all depended on how the numbers were going. If they are good – it won’t be a lot of them, but if the numbers are not so good, they’ll monitor them more closely. I also asked when my first ultrasound will be, and she said, they need certain levels of hcg (6,000) and some time to go by, but as soon as I reached those numbers and got past five and half weeks, they might start doing ultrasounds.

So everything is still up in the air now.

On a slightly (?) good note, this afternoonish around 1:00ish I stood over the kitchen sink and gagged gagged gagged! It was a can of black beans that did it to me.

15.January.2008
4 weeks, 3 days
Last night, I decided I needed a coping mechanism to get through the day. When Josh got home, it was 5:30 and I knew I would have to hear from the doctor’s office by 5:30, since I knew they would be closed by then. So I thought to myself, I just have to get through the next 24 hours. When Josh’s alarm went off this morning, I thought to myself, just twelve more hours. When I woke up, I thought, eleven more hours.

All through the day, I kept counting down the hours.

For all the good it did me – they never called. Around 3:45 I had enough and called Angie and left a message. The office closed at 4:30 and I never heard from her.

To say that I’m an emotional wreck would be such an understatement.

16.January.2008
4 weeks, 4 days

So I was at the doctor bright and early this morning. They were screwy as usual. I told the receptionist that I was here for bloodwork, but that I also needed to talk to Angie. She told me they weren’t in yet and to sign in on the lab side. I told her that I wasn’t even sure I had my lab sheet, something the lab tech confirmed. After about thirty minutes, they got someone in Dr. Z’s office and asked for my lab sheet. I sat for about fifteen more minutes, before receptionist told me that I could go back and pick it up. She was even angry about that – she said they should have brought it out to me. But it turned out to be okay, since Angie was back there and I got to ask what my numbers were. Apparently too, my paperwork just got misplaced yesterday. My numbers were beta – 610 and progesterone – 21.9. I’m uncertain about the progesterone level though because I was so astounded at the hcg level. I was just praying for a level of about 200. So 610 was just amazing to me!

Whatever my progesterone is, she said it was a little bit low and so I’m on supplements for it now. Luckily, they are oral, and not the terror of some others I have heard of!

I took a two hour nap this afternoon and gagged three times today – so I’ve been very very happy today!

They drew more blood today – they actually had to draw it twice because my one vein just stopped giving blood. So I have needle holes in both arms now. šŸ˜¦ Angie said to call her tomorrow for my results – so you best believe I’ll be on the phone early!

So far, Poppy is one good growing little baby!

17.January.2008
4 weeks, 5 days

Believe it or not, the doctor’s office actually called me this morning around 10 a.m. Angie said she had good news – and she certainly did! Betas actually tripled! From 610 to 1837!! That means my doubling time was 30 hours – I’m so so pleased! She also confirmed that my progesterone was 21 – which she said was a little low. I don’t mind taking the pills, so I’m okay with that. I go back next Wednesday the 23rd for another beta draw. I guess the numbers from that one will determine when I’m going to have an ultrasound. I really wish they’d just do an u/s on Wednesday. I’ll be five and half weeks then, and we’d just see gestational sac(s) and wouldn’t expect to see heartbeat(s). I’m scared to death that my numbers are going to be over 6,000 (from my calculations, they should be well over 10,000) and we still won’t see a heartbeat(s). I’ve just heard so much about how things change on an hourly basis during the sixth week and how it’s just better to wait until the seventh week to get an ultrasound. But I know I won’t refuse one during the sixth week, just because I’m so anxious to see how many are in here.

I had another workout today – and Cedric told me he’s trying to get certified by the American Council on Exercise and that they offer a special pre-natal continuing education course. So he said he ordered the book and he’ll let me read it when he gets done. That makes me really excited. I trust him (somewhat) and I’ll definitely abide by whatever Dr. Z. says as well, but it’s nice to have this extra back up.

I felt ill-ish again a couple of times today. Still no actual puking. I also took a three hour nap this afternoon. It’s hard to tell what is normal first trimester exhaustion and what is due to the progesterone. Times like this, I’m so grateful not to be working – it’s nice to nap when I need it.

Some of the books I’ve read about pregnancy after a loss really stress bed rest. On the theory that it certainly isn’t going to hurt anyone, so it can only help. I’m not going to do that myself, but I am trying to spend a good portion of the day with my feet up, just sitting on the couch and taking it easy. I’ve gotten a routine down already. I go to the gym in the morning, run errands, come home, sit and play on the computer for about an hour. Shower. Lunch. Sit on the couch for the afternoon and more than likely end up taking a nap. Then I do my housework for an hour and spend the rest of the evening with Josh on the couch. I don’t want to live my life like an invalid, but I’m also going to do everything I can to take it easy. I can do that, so I might as well.

I felt like I was floating on a cloud today – I was so excited about how well Poppy is doing.

This is long, so I’m going to try to sum up as best as possible. Over Christmas, I was put into a family situation that I thought was ridiculously inconsiderate and something I had tried to avoid at all possible costs. There was no way I could act “normal” and I didn’t even try. This was noticed, and the person who noticed did nothing to actually ask me why I was acting off, but still felt it was okay to complain to another sibling about my behavior and say she was just “heartbroken” over the way I acted. Well you know what, you couldn’t even ask me how I was doing or even bring yourself to say “I’m so sorry about your babies” so why in heaven’s name would you think I’d actually want to see you and be around you? I digress. So if my brother knew this, I know my step mom would know. And if she knew, I know my dad would probably have an inkling of what was going on. I actually care about my dad’s opinion of me, unlike a lot of other family members, so I was unsure of how to bring it up.

The opportunity presented itself somewhat this afternoon. I called Dad to tell him the results from the betas and he was super excited. When I told him I was pregnant, his first question was “Can I tell people?!” When I told him no, he was upset (in a cute way.) So today, I told him that next Wednesday’s blood work results would determine when I’d have the first ultrasound. I told him that even if we did see a heartbeat then (or whenever we do see a heartbeat) that we’d still probably hold off on telling people just until we feel more comfortable. I then said, “When we lost the twins, a lot of people that we thought would be supportive towards us, weren’t. And that was really hard to deal with – not being able to count on people we thought for sure would be a great support for us. So this time, we’re not telling people unless we know they’ll be supportive and there for us, because we don’t want to have to deal with that again.” And he said that he understood and that he thought that was a good idea. So I hope I got my point across without naming names or pointing fingers.

This whole subject of telling people also resulted in a huge fight with my brother two nights ago. He thought I should tell certain people, and I said no. I’ve always been a pushover and the odd one out in my family. But my babies died! And I expected something – some reaction – from my family and I got nothing. David and Jonathan deserve more than that. I deserve more than that. Poppy now deserves more than that. So guess what, you don’t deserve to know about Poppy. Not know, and I’m going to put off telling you as long as possible. People behave badly because they’ve always been allowed to behave that way. This is one time, one instance where I’m not going to allow it. If that causes issues with other people, I don’t care. I don’t care. If it causes issues with my family, oh well. Guess what, you need to realize that bratty kids grow up into bratty adults and I’m simply not going to put up with it anymore. If you can’t bring yourself to say you are sorry for my loss the first time you’ve seen me since the loss, then you have more problems than I want to deal with.

Guess I have a lot of anger and resentment still…but I’m realizing one of the beautiful things about being an adult is the ability to create your own family. From real family members, from in laws, from your friends. And you realize that true family is more than just sharing DNA.

18.January.2008
4 weeks, 6 days

One Response to Pregnancy Journal – Week Four

  1. sandrar says:

    Hi! I was surfing and found your blog post… nice! I love your blog. šŸ™‚ Cheers! Sandra. R.

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