Pregnancy Journal – Week Twenty

20 weeks, 2 days

How did I get this far? I can’t believe I’m halfway through this pregnancy. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop – and it hasn’t. Yet. My life seems to be characterized by that “yet,” “but,” or “I hope” that I find myself tacking on at the end of every sentence or every thought. Tomorrow is our big ultrasound and I don’t care if we see boy or girl parts, I just want to see a heartbeat! I keep feeling “movements” but I just can’t let myself be convinced that they are true. I hope tomorrow is my turning point, but I think I keep moving that magical point further and further back the further I go along.

In a thought only a PAL mama couldn’t understand, I feel my greatest achievement isn’t in making it halfway, but in making it to the stillbirth point. If something happens now, it’s not a miscarriage, it’s a stillbirth. There’s something so much better about that term – how sad is that? It’s like, with a miscarriage, people say, oh those are so common, or it just seems to imply it’s not as important. But a stillbirth, maybe it’s the addition of the word “birth,” seems to recognize the baby’s life. That’s the worst about the miscarriage, it doesn’t seem to recognize any life at all.

I hope all these crazy thoughts though come to nothing. I hope we see a perfect, healthy, amazing little baby tomorrow – be it boy or girl!

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